Goodness, I am getting bad at posting.

Things have got a bit hectic here in Cairo largely because we are running up to number 2 child's birthday and it seems to take a long time to organise even the simplest celebration.  The Arabic lesson had to be moved - again - and presents bought.  A cake has been sourced for purchase and number 1 child has made up a wonderful treasure hunt to find a final present.  He did it off his own bat, and spent hours on it, and it made me swell with happiness to see the pleasure he was taking in doing something for his sibling.

Work continues to be surreal and full of scraping.  But small things are being done, and each time we do a job, although we will probably have to do it again, I put a mental tick in my head for a task completed.  While it achieves nothing practical, it makes me feel as though I am moving forward and contributing, which in my year of living positively, can only be good.  As it is nearly the end of the month, my first wage packet will arrive soon, and that fills me with a wonderful sense of anticipation.  I paid myself when I ran the shop, and when I worked in London, it arrived cleanly into the bank account.  It was only working working in a wine bar in London while I was a student that I got a wage packet, and the joy and possibility that little brown envelope brought comes back to me now.  I wonder if people were still paid that way, there would be less debt in the western world.  Holding your resources for the month gives a great sense of power and responsibility.

But to get to the subject of my post, all of this activity, a couple of weeks ago would have sent me into a melting puddle of perspiration.  Up until yesterday, the weather remained hot, even for Cairo, and each day a good five minutes was spent discussing when the season would turn.

But today, I woke up and went onto the terrace and yes, I almost needed to get a cardigan.  A light one but a cardigan, nevertheless.  For a few minutes I felt truly sad not to be England now that Autumn is in full swing.  It has always been my favourite season, far outweighing Summer.  For some strange reason, the chill of a bright Autumn day with soft light falling through trees which seem to be on fire, makes me feel very alive and vital.

But this year I will miss it and it made me feel very melancholic.  But then I focused on the change here and although it is more subtle it too holds real beauty.

So here are my five positive things about the turn of the season in Cairo:

1. For the first time since we arrived we slept without the aircon, the quiet was fabulous
2. As it cools down I feel like a cat unfurling from a long sleep in the sun, awake and ready to explore
3. Walking in the cool of the streets allows you to stop a really look, no longer desperate to get in and out of the heat
4. The idea of physical exertion become pleasurable rather than a drain
5. The slippers can come out of hibernation

Persephone in Cairo

Why did I ask child number 1 to suggest a subject?

One of the great things about moving abroad is that there are less distractions to keep the family apart.  We are living in an apartment which is big, but because it is on one level, it is much harder for us all to hide in our individual rooms.  Although I have always stuck to my guns on the no TVs in children's bedrooms, there was one in mine and in the sitting room, so the family could scatter to watch what they wanted.

I have also realised how much I could distance my husband, who is not a great TV watcher, because I love it so.  It led to quite a few rows which I always ended up feeling hurt after.  Why should I not be allowed to sate my need for escape?  I always knew, deep-down, that my reliance on it was bad.  It did stop me doing new things, simply because I felt I did not have the time for them.  The old saying that  moderation is the answer, really is the key.  Now we are here, only the programmes I really enjoy, are alluring enough to make me search through websites to watch them in snatches.

How, I hear you asking, has this got anything to do with child number 1.  Well a few nights ago, on an evening which at home we would have been inside watching TV, we were outside on the balcony.  The husband and Number 1 Child were playing Chess, I was reading and Number 2, was already in bed.  My blog came up in the conversation and I suggested number 1 child think of something to base my 5 positive things on.  I haven't let the children read the blog because, somehow it doesn't feel right, but I talk about it with them.  I think it is very important for them to know that their parents too have to keep struggling to make their lives the best they can be: that hard work and determination don't end when you leave the classroom.

Child 1 went quiet and then smiled, "I know", he said, "how about football".  His, face cracked in a devilish grin, obviously thinking he had come up with a subject so difficult that I would finally have to retire beaten into the ranks of ex-bloggers.

Five positive things about football - at first sight this does appear fiendishly hard.  In our arguments about TV I have pointed out that the husband can easily watch hours of sport. Football, golf, tennis, snooker - it really doesn't matter.  His answer is always that it isn't TV, its real life.  This would always provoke the stock girly answer that its not real life, its normally men hitting balls of different sizes around different courts.  I will never pretend to understand the allure of football completely.  Don't get me wrong, when the husband and I were first going out, I did really enjoy the matches we went to see.  We lived together through the ecstasy and the agony of most of Euro '96 and we went to some great matches around the UK.  Being part of the atmosphere, the noise and the emotion, and being able to see the real skill of the players, was a great experience.  But, I would be lying if I said that I was terribly upset when the national side got knocked out of the world cup, or the team I sort of support, lost again.  It would give a moments regrets and then it would pass.

But, just because I don't understand it, doesn't mean its not important to the men of my family.  My son has recently rediscovered football, having lost interest for a while.  I fell in love with the football loving man so why should I seek to change this part of his character, even though I will never understand it.

So, at the risk of howls of laughter from any passing male into sport, here are my .....

Five Positive Things About Football

1. When the lines of communication are hard to keep open between teenage son and father, a mutual love of football can be the bridge that keeps the traffic flowing
2. Standing on the touchline, cheering on your children, both boys and girls, is a great way to show you care for them
3. Playing football can be a brilliant way to learn how important teamwork is in life
4. Its a universal language which bridges the gaps between the Egyptian street child and the expat
5. The Italian Football Team!

With no apologies for no 5, Persephone in Cairo

A Hobby of ones Own

I have just got back from my weekly rehearsal at the Choir I sing in here in Cairo.  My weekly Tuesday rehearsal is something I look forward to each week.  I have sung in a fairly mediocre way since I was at school and it has been something I have loved doing ever since.

To those who are addicted to singing in a choir, I need not explain why it is such a life enhancing thing.  But for those who aren't there is something almost magical about learning a new piece of music, practicing it until you think you can practice no more and finally, you hope, becoming part of a choir which sings with one voice.  At at its very best, you can achieve moments of such joy, when the whole choir is breathing, thinking and singing as one living creature, which it is near to ecstasy 

For quite a few years, because of family commitments, I hadn't been able to go along and sing regularly and had given in up.  And now that it is back in my life I realised how important it is in particular and how important having some sort of hobby is in general.

While I am at choir, I can recapture the enthusiasm and passion for doing things that somehow has got a bit lost along the way.  It is is an activity which has nothing to do with work or family, which is just my own.

So, with apologies to non singers, here are my ...

Five Postive Things About Singing ......

1. At the end of a really good sing your brain is left dancing and alive
2. Learning to breathe to support and sustain brings benefits outside of singing
3. Singing in a choir is a wonderful way to connect with people who share your enthusiasm
4. If you can feel confident to make an entry confidently, find its wrong, lead your whole section astray, and still go back for more, you can tackle most things in life
5. When you perform your family can see you in a whole new light, with talents of their own

Persephone In Cairo

The Big Dipper

Its now Monday and I am sitting outside on the roof terrace of the flat.  The weather is still warm and the lights and noise of Cairo are all around.

I realise that the two days have gone by without my writing a blog.  Saturday was just a very tiring day, a whistle stop trip across town to the biggest shopping mall in Cairo to buy clothes and a router, and then a party for child 2, the first she has been to in Cairo.  By the time homework and preparation for school was done, so was I.  Sunday, meant work, and signs of movement with the arrival of reinforcements from the parent company.

However, the true reason for the blog gap was the arrival of the hormonal downer which is starting to make its presence known.

From the time I was 11 I have lived on a hormonal rollercoaster which takes me up to sensations of near joy and down to a pit of sadness.  I know  that many believe the hormonal argument is just an excuse to be moody, and as a very moody person, there may be something in that.  But the fact that quite unexpectedly the rollercoaster went away when I was pregnant proves it plays a major part in my changing feelings.  My husband swears he knew I was pregnant with my first child because the expected monthly fall off the edge of the pit simply didn't arrive.

I say this just to introduce the fact that it is precisely in the next few days that I should be writing the blog most assiduously because it is when I most need it.  I am hoping that I can use my five positive thoughts to get me through the dip or at least smooth it out a bit.

I am therefore putting down in writing my five positive thoughts to get me through these days so that in my hour of need I have them ready to fight the demon:

Five Positive Things to think when on the hormonal rollercoaster:

1. This too will pass and in a few days I will be in the sunny uplands of happy thought
2. My friends and family love me wherever I am on the rollercoaster
3. Its the perfect excuse to eat chocolate which they say is packed with happy hormones
4. When feeling really overwhelmed with all that there is to do, start one job, finish, and move on to the next - positive activity can pull you out of the trough
5. Make a pact with myself that just today I am not going to let the sad feeling creep in but not be too harsh on myself if I fail, because tomorrow I will try again.

Persephone in Cairo

Outside Cairo

We have just got back to the house, exhausted, from a day out and about.

The husband played golf, child one went to hang out at a friend's house and child two came with me to buy some new clothes.  A few minor hitches along the way included losing the driver for a short time and having to cut the clothes hunt short to buy a present for the husband to give to someone whose birthday he had forgotten at golf.

However, the minor irritations of the day were easily effaced by the lovely images that I will hold in my mind.  It leads me to thinking if we can, just by the power of thinking of the positive rather than the negative, put the good things before the bad.  I don't mean that you should forget everything unpleasant that happens because then I suspect you could never learn from your mistakes.  But in a day when there has been good and bad, can I try and think of the good first and as more important.

On this principle here are the images I will hold in my mind, my children swimming in the moonlight, spending a lovely lunch just with child two talking about things both big and small, and the obvious happiness when my husband introduced me to his friends.

So writing in the dark, with my husband snoring next to me and the kids asleep nearby, I finish with .....

Five positive things about being awake while those around you sleep .........

1. In  the morning you get the peace of knowing you have the house all to your self
2. The sounds of the house become clear and magnified, with a cadence like music
3. Rising before everyone in the morning makes the day seem even more packed with potential
4. You get to the leftover pizza before anyone else (ref previous post)
5. You feel strong - the protector of those you love

Persephone in Cairo

An evening five

Heading for bed after a proper family evening in.  This involved a bit of bickering, some laughter and funny dances and take away pizza.  We also watched a fascinating science programme about the entire process of making a vinyl record.  Who says I don't live an exciting life!

The delight of the occasional take away meal should be celebrated.  Here in Egypt they deliver big time, food from the local shops, water, even bills by hand, so we thought we would try pizza.  It arrived from Maison Thomas, and was delicious and hot.  

So here's my reasons to love Thursday night takeaways  .....

1. You can try dishes you would not attempt at home
2. The delight of having lots of different things to chose from without having to open a cupboard
3. The family cook/s get a night off from having to plan a meal
4. The kids can be let off washing up duties
5. Much guilty pleasure can be had from the sheer naughtiness of eating cold pizza the morning after the takeaway before.

Before I go, I must come clean and say it is going to take me a lot more time to get used to the weekend starting on Thursday night.  The sheer pleasure of that Friday feeling is so deep with my psyche that it going to take some replacing.  Still when it happens, great positive pleasure will be taken from being able to change, even in a small way.

Good night.

Persephone in Cairo

A quick one

This is going to have to be a quick one because time is ticking and the car to work will not wait.

Yesterday was another lost day in my blog life.  I would like to write that it was because of some wonderfully exotic excuse but that would be lying.  I was simply too exhausted after a late night at a quiz and then another day of physical work to think of anything.

I got back from work, made a cup of tea and sat down for a quick read, only to wake up from a heavy sleep 30 minutes later when the kids got back from school.

It did lead me to thinking about the positive thing about being really, physically tired, so here goes with a quick pre-work five,

Five Positive Things about Being Really Tired

1. When you have worked really hard, and finished a job, the cup of tea and sit down feels like a weeks trip to heaven
2. The sleep which comes after lots of exercise, refreshes like no other sleep
3. When muscles have that low dull ache, I know that the next day they will make me feel like Tigger
4. Real exhaustion stops any worries or concerns lingering long
5. The joy of having an excuse to lie on the sofa watching a children's movie with your children can not be underestimated

Persephone 

Day Four

OK, I know there was not day three but I am afraid that occasionally a day will slip by without a positive thought.  Any friends out there who want to fill the gaps with their five positive things it would be great.

Day three was a good day.   My lovely husband was back and, once he had a good sleep, really not grouchy at all.   The kids went off to school and we went off to work together.  Work actually turned out OK, though it did require a considerable amount of patience to deal with the task in hand: pealing the plastic covering off the metal protective strip at the bottom of the cabinets.  Still its the kind of job that when you have done it, you can see where you have been, and feel satisfied for that.

We had a nice family evening, with prawn curry not cooked by me, and the kids doing the washing up.  It felt really wonderful to feel so normal in the flat.   The strange thing is how quickly a truly alien culture and city can begin to feel almost mundane.  Yes, you have to deal with the worst traffic in the world and pavements that disappear or require clamp-ons to get up and down.  True, at night, the streets are hardly lit so it is possible to  walk into things you would rather not walk to but, little by little, all this begins to feel less and less  strange.

On the positive front, I also realise that going home to England will feel so special.  I know that things I take for granted, like traffic that keeps to its own lane, and clean pavements, will feel like the most delicious luxuries in the world.

The only possible cloud yesterday was my son having a couple of small problems at school.  Nothing serious but the sort of thing that could lead me to feel stressed and anxious.  Before I did this, I tried to focus on the fact that it is really great that he feels able to share his troubles with me.  I know that many parents wish their children would do so more and being able to help and reassure him makes me feel so content to be there for him.

Yesterday ended with one of those blissful early nights when you know the sleep will feel like being washed completely clean in a beautiful river bathed in sunlight.

And so it was when I woke up this morning.

Another good day at work, though I am looking forward to being able to get stuck in with the things I am really good at,  dealing with customers and organising things.  Still all the cleaning and scrapping do bring a team together in a way which I am sure will bring benefits when the shop opens.

Its now afternoon and I am feeling pleased because the maintenance guys from the flats now have a list of the things that need doing and a small job can be ticked off my list - always a pleasurable thing.

So to finish for today,

Five Positive Things about Mundane Jobs

1. A list with lots crossed off gives such a feeling of satisfaction
2. Monotonous jobs allow the brain to wander to new and exciting places
3. When you finish cleaning something it can make the cleaner feel fresh and new
4. The importance of simple jobs, well done and finished should not be underestimated
5. Never feel ashamed in finding pleasure in a pile of fragrant clean and ironed clothes, a newly painted room or a freshly made bed

Persephone in Cairo

OK, so its morning two and I am on the point of getting ready for work.

I haven't done paid work for nearly four years and before that I worked for myself, so despite lots of attempts at feeling positive, the nerves have begun.  I feel slightly sick - there is so much to deal with, not knowing what the job really entails, dealing with my lack of Arabic which makes me feel out of the loop, and occasionally having to come to terms with making unintentional cultural faux pas.

But this is my year of living positively blog so how to turn this one around.

The nerves may be good,  they will keep me on my toes and get me through on the joy of doing something new and meeting new challenges.  What is more, my colleagues have been patient, kind and tolerant.  They have taken time out to teach me their language and the possibility of mastering it is very exciting.  I have always assumed that I was useless at languages, ask my A Level French teacher, but maybe this time, when I really have to, I will prove her and myself wrong.

Five Positive Things before Work

1. the kitten managed not to destroy anything over night
2. I woke to see a glorious sun shining over the distant hills of Cairo
3. the wonderful babysitter of last week has left me with freshly ironed clothes
4. my husband is coming home tonight after a trip away
5. I have a friend who took the time to describe just how wonderful the first apples of autumn taste when they are new and crisp and juicy

Persephone in Cairo

One Year of Living Positively - the beginning

One Year of Living Positively

Goodness this is hard.  I thought writing a blog would be easy.  You just open your page and off you go.  So, in the absence of anything deep and profound to say, off I go.

I am writing this blog as a very cheap form of therapy.  Over the last few months I have come to realise that I see things in a very negative way and have lost the art of seeing the positive in life.  I have turned in to my mother who as much as I loved her gave me the gift of seeing the problems before the possibilities.  Whenever I wanted to do art she saw the mess before the fun, when cookery was mentioned so was the time it would take to clear up, not the delicious food that might emerge.  

If I am honest, I have known this about myself for a long time, but over the last few months, events have conspired to turn a very high voltage flashlight into the recesses of my life.  A move abroad from a leafy village in Essex to the noise and chaos of Cairo has stripped away many of the props I relied on to get through the day carrying my burden of insecurities and anxieties.  Over a long summer we packed up much of our life and distributed it around the country into storage, the attics of forgiving friends and the houses of family.  We said goodbye to all the network of friends, family and institutions on which our lives had been based.

Suddenly, I found myself living in Cairo, feeling very cut off from everything and trying to make sense of it all.  Its tough getting through each day without feeling a homesickness which works away like a physical pain.  I found myself wanting to ring my wonderful group of friends to bemoan my lot and share the pain and did so many times. They were supportive and kind, tolerant and caring, and for a moment I would feel better.  But then something would happen and down I would go again, taking my family down with me.

About a week ago an email arrived from a friend which fell securely in the category of tough love.  It told me to put up or shut up, to try and see the positive in things, before I destroyed my family life and my marriage.   Combined with the continued support of all my friends I realised what an utter drag I had become and what that must be doing to those around me.

An so I made a resolution  - for one year I would try and live positively.  I don't see this as grand gesture stuff, but rather as small steps taken one at a time.  Each day I will write five positive things in a blog and chart my progress to a happier more adventurous self.  Each morning I will wake up and say to myself , today I chose to be positive.  I know that many times I will fail but for 365 days from today I will try and pull the joy to the front and push the sadness to the back.  

So here we go, ....... Five small positive things for today

•  

1. • woke from a gloriously deep sleep feeling refreshed
2. • talked on the phone with some of the most wonderful friends in the world
3. • saw a beautiful hibiscus flower beginning to bloom
4. • made the first batch of pancakes using buffalo milk which tasted good
5. • had a unexpectedly delicious lunch in a small hidden cafe

So its a start.  Welcome to my newly positive life, living in one of the most challenging, or should that be exciting, cities in the world.  

Persephone in Cairo